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GaryP - RA Survivor

Understanding my system

Trying to make sense of the organisation and nature of all my alters isnt easy. In this case I found analogy extremely useful.

The voices inside / alters / consciousness fragments

Mar 2000 ... "I think that the other thoughts [voices] are ones generated by other areas of my mind, for the sake of providing alternatives. Sometimes those alternatives really shocked me, made me upset. Because they were supposedly just me, then I must be crazy, insane, perverted. It never really occurred to me that they were separate identities, with separate belief systems and values & goals, & all sorts of things. I thought I was just insane."

Apr 2000 ... "Now I'm getting used to the possibility that some, or many of those voices are of other alters. And now I've just thought about the possibilities that they are all of alters, and that me, host, does not actually have a voice. ... In some ways it makes sense, but it's also a bit shocking.
... The voice in my mind told me these things. The host = the body. The host has not had it's own voice since the consciousnesses split in first year of life. Before the split, the single consciousness = the host, but after, the separated consciousness became the selves, with voices or not, and the host, the body simply became the physical carrier."

Apr 2000 - "The wall of cages with the little me's in all of them, that I visualized ages ago, they are my multiples, my alters. So if they were all in the cages, who was looking at them?
... I sent you the image. I needed you to record something, way back then. I chose that image. I needed you to know what happened to your childhood. Yes, you can call me Knower, if you like. It doesn't really matter what you call me. I am here to guide you and your healing. I am the voice that you sometimes perceive as your higher self. ... I am sort of separate from you, but I am familiar with all you have been through. I am sad for you but I am not the source of any of your sadness. Your selves hold a record of all your experiences and emotions. I simply have access to that information, and I am your guide through it.
... I am situated beyond the reach of all those that tried to manipulate you.

... the manipulators know very well that every person has a connection with such an awareness as I [higher self/awareness]. they know they cannot control it like other aspects of your mind. so they try to confuse you by creating the alters that produce your delusions of grandeur, while mimicking the emotion you feel when connected with me. you know that with me you feel good and powerful and protected. but i do not tell you your future. the mimicking alters do. they try to control your behavior by mimicking my advice. a poor version of me, but often effective, and they know this by their observations. you notice that your bad typing alter is trying to stop you from getting this out. it is time to realize that your alters are more modular than you think. you have an array of programs that are performed by a range of control alters. each program is for a separate little function, like whether to be able to type or not. the control alters decide which programs to assemble into what you actually perform and behave.
... you know now that the programmers were actually acting a lot out of curiosity. they were fascinated by the human mind and the source of consciousness. they did what they did as much out of that curiosity as they did to program you to function as they were employed to do. ..."

It's "Knower" again here. As long as you still have so many fragments that you are unaware of, you have to be real careful about following orders, especially from within.
Yes, each fragment was created in a fear event. Only you can create a fragmentation. They cannot do that. But they can make you do it. What they set up was post-hypnotic commands that not only caused you to experience great fear, but also fear that attached elsewhere, not on them. For this, they use abstract fears, such as water, monsters, stuff like that.
They cannot make your fragments, they can only make you make them.

The "war-torn post-colonial third world country" analogy for my highly dysfunctional system and it's development

I have found this a useful analogy for myself. Recently, I became aware of a small number of alters that ran my system. They had control over my mind. I call them the Council. I could just as easily call them Military Dictatorship. They are an organised few that developed a cooperative control over my system while I was still under the control of my 'family', living at home.

This realisation came about as I wrote with my left hand. I have begun to teach myself to write left handed in order to access directly my right brain. This is because I noticed that I wrote in a very different way when I typed, compared with when I wrote with my right hand (footnote 1). I was more emotional, flexible, accomodating and 'wholistic'. I thought that if I wrote with my left hand, I would be able to access my emotional right brain, as opposed to my cold and analytic left brain.

1968 - Invasion

Soon after my birth, my system was invaded by my 'family', the colonial rulers. Their first action was to rape the resources of my system, and destroy as much as they could.

1971ish - Colonial Rule. In this analogy, I equate living at home with my family "colonial rule'. My system, or country, was being administered from outside, and for almost my entire life I have been controlled from outside. I was shown the ways of war, and many small conflicts were encouraged to break out all over my system. This is just what European colonial rulers did. They encouraged disagreement and conflict in order to prevent any power unifying against their rule. "United we stand, divided we fall." Well, my divided and fallen system is made up of 3 main groups.

-Ruling Council

They took control over the most powerful group in the country, and administered through them. In my case, this was the currently ruling Council. They were the most functional group that emerged after the invasion, and they were installed as the administers of the system. For a long time they believed they were rewarded for their loyalty to the invaders. Yet they were seen as traitors by many in the system.

-The uneducated and un-unified population

Part of the process of creating an easily domineered system is to ensure that the population is uneducated and not able to organise themselves into a powerful group that acts in a unified way. This population carries out their various tasks, and have no real connection outside their own lives. They do not participate in the running of the system, yet they influence it by their actions.

-The exiled guerilla forces

I realised I had a group of alters opposed to my ruling system, that operated in exile, as do guerillas in a third-world country. In fact, my council is quite scared of this force. As much as my council wishes otherwise, this group is unified in opposition to the Council. This group operates in exile, in my emotional mind - right brain. I can access this group by writing left handed. The council, which is analytical, cold and intolerant of opposition, resides in my left brain - accessible by writing right-handed. Just as with real countries, the Guerillas have a very good point - they are opposing either colonial rule or the remnants of it. They also receive support from external sources. This support may be from other countries or individuals that either support the cause of the Guerillas, or simply wish to indirectly make trouble for the colonial power. In the same way, the colonial regime may be supported by those that oppose the Guerillas aims, and those that support the colonial power. Guerilla supporters may be other abuse survivors, sympathetic therapists and other individuals of professional backgrounds, as well as govt employees, etc. Colonial supporters may be from any of these sources also.

1993 - Semi-Independence, financial aid.

When I left home, I gained a greatly increased level of independence. This amounted to my ruling Council being given an overall control. Such as when a colonial power withdraws direct control over a country. The result was a ruling Council that did not have the capacity for full independence. My system moved into the frustrating and difficult position of having to accept financial aid. This is a very difficult time, because much of the aid goes to propping up the ruling system, which become indebted to the providers of aid. In my case, the providers of financial aid were my 'family', and in return, I was required to not only maintain contact with them, but also to accept their asserted position of good-guys and maintaining my loyalty to them - despite what they had done in the past, which was 'swept under the carpet'. From the outside, the colonial rulers, my 'family', maintained a 'goodness and light' facade, and nobody even thought to question it.

1995-7 - The corruption scandals

After a few years of financial aid, my system began to uncover corruption amongst its ranks. Secret collusion and hidden problems that were exposed by scandals that happened again and again. One of these was my relationship problems. Another was the employment problems I was having. In fact, money was one of the most revealing scandals that I had. It exposed secretive collusion with the ex-colonial power (my 'family').

early 1998 - Spy scandal

Eventually, it was revealed, after another scandal that rocked my ruling Council, that the colonial power had infiltrated the ruling Council itself from day one, and was pulling strings from inside. This was achieved by my 'family' through post-hypnotic suggestion. An indication of how unscrupulous my 'family', and colonial rulers in gereral, are.

mid 1998 - Viva la revolution!

The exposure of the 'spy scandal' precipitated a revolution by the ruling Council. It was no longer prepared to tolerate external intervention from the ex-colonial rulers, my family. Diplomatic ties with the enemy were mostly stopped. Fiscal policy was altered to account for cessation of financial aid. For the first time, I was left to survive on the income I generated myself.

1998 to 2000 - Stabilisation, anti-corruption purges, tightening of fiscal policy.

After the spy scandal, major changes were made to the system. Procedures were put in place to detect corruption and other acts that threatened the system. I began to pay much more attention to my state of mind and learned to detect the signs of post-hypnotic suggestion attempting to influence my system. many changes were made to accommodate more members of the system, and allow much more freedom of expression than had previously been possible. This resulted in the end of open conflict between the two opposing groups in my mind, the ruling Council and the opposition Guerillas in the hills.

2000 - Solving the guerilla problem, moving toward democracy

Armed with recent increases in understanding, and a cease-fire treaty with the rebel forces, it has been decided by the ruling Council, following a request from a spokesperson for the Guerillas, that moves toward joint government and democracy should be made. In fact, successful real life political solutions will be consulted to see if they offer any useful ideas. My task now is to work toward increasing the scope and inclusion of alters involved in administering my system. The first step is a joint government. Eventually all the uneducated alters will be incorporated into the process. Hopefully efficiency and productivity will be increased. It's pretty low right now.

now what?

This analogy helps me not only to understand what has happened, but also to look to ways of further progressing in my healing. And a potential source of ideas.

Footnote 1 - For this reason, I propose that the invention of the typewriter - where a person uses both hands to assemble a written message - is an important factor in the cultural development of the human race. In fact, it may not be coincidental that political movements grew at around the time typewriters became more widespread in their use. (back to where you came from)


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