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My
path to the recovery of repressed
memories
The long process that led, down a winding
road, to eventual recall. For some reason, I see
significance in the "Yellow Brick Road" as an analogy for
this journey.
Rape
Rape was the first thing I started to
remember. Beginning with the involvement of my
parent-figures, then their friends, then strangers for
money. Prostitution.
Mind
Control
The purpose of the mind control was to
develop the split in my consciousness that I created in
response to the trauma of rape and torture. The mind control
was carried out both by my 'family' and also by
professionally trained persons.
Ritual
Abuse
I have recalled ritual abuse in the
context of mind control. Ritual abuse as a means to
promoting the effectiveness of subsequent mind
control.
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An initial statement about the
nature of memories, and the context in which I place
mine:
Before 1997 my conscious mind did not
have to incorporate any of these memories into its very very
confused perception of the world. In fact these memories,
despite their unpleasant nature, have provided relief, sense
and understanding to my conscious mind. Maybe it makes no
sense, or sounds unreal, but my life is better since I have
remembered this stuff, I am happier. Since I have begun to
cry and uncover these memories, I have not suffered from
depression.
I do not know if I will ever have 100%
confidence in any of these new memories. Despite the peace
they have brought to my mind, I cannot help but wish that
they are false, and the people I have depended on throughout
my childhood are worthy of continued dependence. It saddens
me that I, unlike most others, can't bear the influence of
my 'family' in my life.
Not everything I believe or express about
my life is supported by memories, but by my awareness. I
combine all my different sources of understanding to produce
a picture of my life, as accurate and as clear as I possible
can. I also rely on the physical evidence recorded by my
body, and what I have always known for myself to be
true.
Bits of what I remember
I can't keep reproducing all that I have
written about my memories and how I have felt, etc. It would
be a book already. I will give an outline of what I have
recalled so far, as well as what my awareness is above and
beyond my actual recollections. I've also included a few
emails I have written, as they illustrate the kinds of
things I am remembering and the significance it has for me.
But they aren't the whole picture.
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