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GaryP - RA Survivor

 Memories - Mind Control

Mind Control refers to the process of programming the behavior of an individual, creating an individual whose behavior can be controlled by the programmers - to act in ways the person may not want to.

CAUTION: the material in this section may be very triggering to survivors, as well as distressing to some readers. Please take care - ensure you are in a safe place and state of mind - and not about to have a meal.

Mind Control - family:

Apr 2000 - "Yesterday, what feels like at least a couple of days ago, my friend told me about a dream she had where she saw a mother corner her daughter and grab her hands and while staring intensely into her eyes, the mother, with her fingertips, rubbed her daughters fingernails.

As soon as she told me about his, I knew it. I just knew so well this technique of post-hypnotic "suggestion". I just cringe so bad when I think about my mother doing this to me. It sends the most awful trapped squeezed feeling all through my body and mind. I feel like my mind is being clamped, squeezed, restricted, controlled, taken over. It is like being tied to a chair, not that I can recall, but thats the image that comes into my mind as associated with the feeling I get from thinking about my mother-figure doing this to me. I was upset and anxious all day. My friend told me just before I left to go to my therapist appointment, and I was also upset in the appointment and talked about this. My therapist noticed really easily that I was upset. It was like I was shaking on the inside most of the day. I felt like I was out of it."

Mind Control - professional:

The purpose of the mind control was to develop the split in my consciousness that I created in response to the trauma of rape and torture. The mind control was carried out both by my family and also by professionally trained persons.

I have only a few memories of mind control, but they are very informative. They are consistent with, and explain, my mistrust of and aversion to medical professionals. They also explain many events in my life where I have been shocked at my actions or behavior after the fact. Sometimes I do things that I would never normally even consider. This happened the last time I am aware of when I was living in [], in 1998. From what happened, I realized that my mother-figure was involved in sabotaging my situation, and it was shortly after this that I decided to completely cut of contact with my entire family. I had already confronted my father-figure with raping me and cut off contact with my sister-figure.

Here is 3 emails I wrote at different times that gives a bit of an idea how my awareness of these programmed alters has developed over time.

Date: 1999 Sep

"Recently I have learned a great deal about my alters.

I never lost time with my alters, and until recently I didn't actually know I had any, but I still had managed to forget most of my life, so logically, I knew they must be there. When I found them, I realized how cleverly I had been programmed. A difficulty I had with uncovering them, is that most of them could do most things OK. I realize I would switch between them frequently, but this usually had only a minor effect on the task I was doing at the time. Another difficulty I had with seeing the switches was that I have ADD, and for the whole of my life, my attention has been resetting, beyond my control, every 10 minutes. Crying has changed this. I now suspect that the ADD is part of my programming.

When I found my alters, I could only at first identify them as moods. My alters each had a different emotion and mood. Yet I noticed that some of my behaviors associated with these moods differed markedly. In some states of mind I got into, I became very competent and able and organized, and in others I became totally helpless. In yet others, I was able to do certain things and not others.

These different alters very clearly had different personalities. I realized for sure that I had alters when I understood that it takes programming to block competency. (logic - If I am competent sometimes, then I should be competent all the time unless something is preventing it.) Since looking at the pattern to the different alters, and different behaviors they do and do not do (such as whether they write, paranoia, aggression, sociability) I have begun to realize that these are programmed identities.

I have begun to prepare a table, listing the different alters and the different characteristics, and marking off whether or not each alter has this characteristic. From the characteristics of each alter, I am slowly building a document of each personality. I look at these and the characteristics suggest the roles of each alter. One I have named competent. Another I have named assassin. As my "competent" is very unemotional, I am beginning to suspect that it is similar to the character [...] described as her programmed core.

I am not at the stage where I have an awareness of the identity of my core, even if I have a core. I just don't know.

I'm not sure how weird this makes me seem, but I actually find the constructs of my alters very interesting. I feel like a detective of sorts. I am finding that I have a lot more curiosity than anger."

Here is parts of an email that I wrote about an understanding I have of my 'system' - that it is 'modular'.

Date: Feb 2000

"I seem to feel that my alters can be arranged into functional groups. "fire personality" and 'investigator' and 'science nerd' and "MacGuyver" (fix-anything), all seem to be part of my "assassin" group.

My [curiosity] was in fact milked by the programmers. To make me able to investigate ways of doing harm. Yet they could only take advantage of it. It seems to be directable, but irrepressible. My healing is resulting with my getting it back for my use, not the programmers use.

'Iris', and my 'relationship' alters seem to fit into my "prostitute" group. Yet this group also includes a very young me that was angry. Just a different popular character that was a selling point in my prostitution. Some clients liked raping angry children.

I had a 'bank', or 'selection' of alters for prostituting. The client would indicate their preference in advance, and I would be keyworded into the selection of choice. The selection included all sorts of behaviors and moods. Although I have not read so, my impression is that there is nothing particularly unusual about my programming. I haven't read otherwise, either.

I wouldn't describe the control [of my destructive alters] that was going on as cooperation.

Much more of a host dictatorship. I simply forced myself to not enact suggestions from my programmed alters. I had no idea where these suggestions were coming from, but I really didn't want them to be the initiator of actions. My conscious mind host saw these suggestions as obvious self harm.

I recall the many years of constantly forcing down these "unwelcome optional extras" in my mind. My life was constant struggle - as the evil programmers intended. That way, I would just simmer below the surface, and could easily be set off when required. My mind was being kept at just below boiling point, where I would be unstable and easily triggered into an explosive state. My healing has the overall result of lowering the temperature of my mind, and increasing my distance from the explosive state. Consequently it is much more difficult to trigger me into the programmed explosive state.

Sometimes I need to let off steam, but i try to keep it controlled. like blowing the whistle instead of letting the boiler blow.

The heat is applied by programmed instructions. I just have to feed it with lots of energy-laden sugar. interesting.

I feel quite good now, after working that out."

Here is another email that describes my female alters and how they fit in.

Date: Feb 2000

"my female identities are sympathetic with [other females], but this even helps them to understand that they really do not understand, that they are fakes, artificial. they know and they dont know. thinking about this helps them to know they are not what they think they are -they are what they are programmed to believe. they are sad, but happy. something is taken away, more is given - the truth - truth is more than anything else. they know our body is male, but they ignore this, until they are forced to accept it. they are not all that discouraged by my male appearance in the mirror - they ignore that it is our body. it is not us, it is a reflection, and thus not really what we look like. When they look at our body, they just ignore certain features. host still wonders how they manage it - it is certainly a feat!

i understand now that the emotions i feel are of the whole. they vary with the alter that is in the drivers seat, and can change very quickly. but they are of the one. parts of me have been isolated by force, yet my emotions can only be manipulated, steered, but not split. they are a whole-brain, whole-mind, whole-body phenomenon that can be manipulated by parts, but not itself parted. Not for me anyway.

i understand now why emotional release is such an essential part of the process of rebuilding the whole. emotions are never unwhole. it just seems that way to me because i can only be one alter at a time. it's like being able to see one small part of one big thing, and each part seems to look different, but when the view becomes larger, i see that it is the one object. emotions are the bridges that span the programmed chasms of my mind."

When I talk about one alter being in control at a time, I mean that I (my body) only follows the orders of one alter at a time. This does not mean that there is only one alter present at a time. How to tell how many alters are present? I haven't worked this out yet, how my alters interact. I hear the many different suggestions, but I can't identify where they come from. I always used to think that they were all just mine, never mind how much they contradicted each other sometimes, and made me extremely anxious.

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