Make your own free website on

GaryP - RA Survivor

 Memories - Ritual Abuse

When I first recalled ritual abuse, I wasn't surprised. The occult had a strange place in my mind.

CAUTION: the material in this section may be very triggering to survivors, as well as distressing to some readers. Please take care - ensure you are in a safe place and state of mind - and not about to have a meal.

Ritual abuse:

Ritual abuse is the last aspect of my abuse that I have recalled so far. I have had a significant discomfort associated with superstitious belief systems, and spiritual traditional knowledge. I have also avoided situations that involve any kind of group ceremony, because of the stress that it causes me. It is only since recovering these memories that I have been able to investigate the place of these belief systems in my life, and experiences. I wish to understand why the human race continually supports such beliefs. Here is one of my memories of ritual abuse, that also relates to mind control. It is an email I wrote to a RA/MC list

Date: Feb 2000

"this really is a post with incredibly severe triggers. it is about how i was motivated as a young child to believe they would really kill me if i didnt let them have control over my mind.

triggers are RA, MC, ritual, ceremony description, violence, murder, disturbing sexual references.

**warning** - very awful graphic descriptions of very awful stuff. please make sure you are in a safe environment and state before reading this. as you well know, i dont normally give a warning this extensive - beware.


today i had a visualization that just left me amazed at what i may have survived. i am still in shock, and i expect it will take a while for me to settle this one into my grip on reality, even though it makes sense and is consistent with what i have worked out so far.

i tried to pass it off as imagination, but it had such a strong emotional effect on me i cannot, and it also makes a lot of sense and has allowed me to understand how my abuse was engineered to have the effect it did on my mind.

i was in grade 1 or 2, and i was about 5 or 6 years old.

i was in a curved line of children, boys and girls, sitting on the floor a few meters away from a stone alter on a platform that we were facing. there were perhaps about 7 kids, all a similar age as me. there were a few adults in the room lit with candles, and they were dressed in hooded cloaks/robes. some stood to each side of the altar, facing it. others stood behind us kids, as 'security guards'. one of these had a length of metal pipe, that was used to hit anyone that cried or made noise or escape or 'soiled' themselves.

behind the altar, the leader male was torturing a boy of similar age to us kids. we were told at the start that he had refused to cooperate and would not let the adults control his mind. he just refused, we were told. we were being shown what happened to those who resisted. it wasn't enough to pretend, as he had done, we had to allow them in.

i dont recall if we knew the boy or not. i recall from what happened later that he had dark brown hair and eyes, and white skin.

the 'guards' made sure that we watched, as the boy was tortured to death for what seemed like hours to me. we were not allowed to move. i cant yet recall what the torture involved was, or how it was done, or what was used. nobody stopped the boy from screaming, while he was able.


here is the worst bit.

then his head was decapitated. his eyes were made to be open. then the leader man went around to each child in the row in turn, holding the head by the hair at the top of the head. he held it in front of each of us and we were forced to look into the dead eyes that were open. this ensured that there was no doubt in our minds that the boy was indeed dead. the eyes were dead, therefore it could not be a trick or an illusion, these were soulless eyes.

immediately after this we were raped, while the adults were still sexually aroused by what they had done and seen.


my response to the visualization:

i first ate, to suppress the emotional rise that was developing. i would expect a normal person to have no appetite, but not me. i have never come across anything so awful as to affect my appetite. food is my drug, and that is all there is to it.

i feel that i have made some significant progress with understanding the relationship between fear and sexuality.


purpose of this ceremony:

a few hours later, i began to realize the importance of this event/ritual. at an age when we were becoming fluent enough to be hypnotized in a complex way, this ceremony was to ensure we allowed the hypnosis to take place genuinely. this was a kind of forced lesson. because we were all abuse victims already, it was not a simple matter to hypnotize us, we would automatically resist - such is the consequence of fear on hypnotism.

the idea behind this was to make us so scared that we would lose our minds, and 'let them in'. they used fear and rape to break through our subconscious barriers to hypnosis.

at this age, we were being initiated into the hypnosis enabled mind control program, where hypnosis would be systematically used to engineer the creation of many alters, based on the partitions already created by sexual, physical and psychological abuse.

this was our introduction to a new stage in our life.


another thing came up in my mind in response to this, that has often come up when i recall something new. from the way it comes up, i know it is programming. it has no relation to my flow of thoughts, it just butts in. it is the thought that i am making all this up, just to outdo others. i get this a lot, and usually not pay any attention to it, because my recollections do not normally seem as awful as many others. so the thought had no real substance, or justification. now it does, because this is really awful, so i have to address this thought now.

next day: after sleeping on this memory, i realize that this event/lesson was intentionally set in a ritual, 'magickal' environment. thus the systematic MC and RA are intentionally combined. i suppose this is done to make it more effective, more theatrical, more fearful. i suspect that the adults involved believed in it in more of a religious sense. for them it wasnt just mind control. somehow i am also aware that later on many of the MC experts were actually skeptics and saw the RA as nothing but theatrical, and believed the religious satanists to be 'useful idiots'.

i think the reason why the RA environment was more effective is that it placed the event in a spiritual environment, which communicated with the innate spiritual beliefs of kids. it made me believe that indeed there was a higher force, and the adults had it in their control? thats how i feel about it at the moment."

This is one of my more awful memories. As you can see, along with the memory itself, I have presented my interpretation of its significance, and purpose. Sorry to end this page on this note, but hey, that's what I live with.

This page: http://
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License.

Top of page/menu