Date: Feb 2000
"this really is a post with incredibly severe
triggers. it is about how i was motivated as a young child to believe
they would really kill me if i didnt let them have control over my
triggers are RA, MC, ritual, ceremony description,
violence, murder, disturbing sexual references.
**warning** - very awful graphic descriptions of
very awful stuff. please make sure you are in a safe environment and
state before reading this. as you well know, i dont normally give a
warning this extensive - beware.
today i had a visualization that just left me
amazed at what i may have survived. i am still in shock, and i expect
it will take a while for me to settle this one into my grip on
reality, even though it makes sense and is consistent with what i
have worked out so far.
i tried to pass it off as imagination, but it had
such a strong emotional effect on me i cannot, and it also makes a
lot of sense and has allowed me to understand how my abuse was
engineered to have the effect it did on my mind.
i was in grade 1 or 2, and i was about 5 or 6
i was in a curved line of children, boys and
girls, sitting on the floor a few meters away from a stone alter on a
platform that we were facing. there were perhaps about 7 kids, all a
similar age as me. there were a few adults in the room lit with
candles, and they were dressed in hooded cloaks/robes. some stood to
each side of the altar, facing it. others stood behind us kids, as
'security guards'. one of these had a length of metal pipe, that was
used to hit anyone that cried or made noise or escape or 'soiled'
behind the altar, the leader male was torturing a
boy of similar age to us kids. we were told at the start that he had
refused to cooperate and would not let the adults control his mind.
he just refused, we were told. we were being shown what happened to
those who resisted. it wasn't enough to pretend, as he had done, we
had to allow them in.
i dont recall if we knew the boy or not. i recall
from what happened later that he had dark brown hair and eyes, and
the 'guards' made sure that we watched, as the boy
was tortured to death for what seemed like hours to me. we were not
allowed to move. i cant yet recall what the torture involved was, or
how it was done, or what was used. nobody stopped the boy from
screaming, while he was able.
here is the worst bit.
then his head was decapitated. his eyes were made
to be open. then the leader man went around to each child in the row
in turn, holding the head by the hair at the top of the head. he held
it in front of each of us and we were forced to look into the dead
eyes that were open. this ensured that there was no doubt in our
minds that the boy was indeed dead. the eyes were dead, therefore it
could not be a trick or an illusion, these were soulless eyes.
immediately after this we were raped, while the
adults were still sexually aroused by what they had done and
my response to the visualization:
i first ate, to suppress the emotional rise that
was developing. i would expect a normal person to have no appetite,
but not me. i have never come across anything so awful as to affect
my appetite. food is my drug, and that is all there is to it.
i feel that i have made some significant progress
with understanding the relationship between fear and
purpose of this ceremony:
a few hours later, i began to realize the
importance of this event/ritual. at an age when we were becoming
fluent enough to be hypnotized in a complex way, this ceremony was to
ensure we allowed the hypnosis to take place genuinely. this was a
kind of forced lesson. because we were all abuse victims already, it
was not a simple matter to hypnotize us, we would automatically
resist - such is the consequence of fear on hypnotism.
the idea behind this was to make us so scared that
we would lose our minds, and 'let them in'. they used fear and rape
to break through our subconscious barriers to hypnosis.
at this age, we were being initiated into the
hypnosis enabled mind control program, where hypnosis would be
systematically used to engineer the creation of many alters, based on
the partitions already created by sexual, physical and psychological
this was our introduction to a new stage in our
another thing came up in my mind in response to
this, that has often come up when i recall something new. from the
way it comes up, i know it is programming. it has no relation to my
flow of thoughts, it just butts in. it is the thought that i am
making all this up, just to outdo others. i get this a lot, and
usually not pay any attention to it, because my recollections do not
normally seem as awful as many others. so the thought had no real
substance, or justification. now it does, because this is really
awful, so i have to address this thought now.
next day: after sleeping on this memory, i realize
that this event/lesson was intentionally set in a ritual, 'magickal'
environment. thus the systematic MC and RA are intentionally
combined. i suppose this is done to make it more effective, more
theatrical, more fearful. i suspect that the adults involved believed
in it in more of a religious sense. for them it wasnt just mind
control. somehow i am also aware that later on many of the MC experts
were actually skeptics and saw the RA as nothing but theatrical, and
believed the religious satanists to be 'useful idiots'.
i think the reason why the RA environment was more
effective is that it placed the event in a spiritual environment,
which communicated with the innate spiritual beliefs of kids. it made
me believe that indeed there was a higher force, and the adults had
it in their control? thats how i feel about it at the moment."