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GaryP - RA Survivor

 Memories - Rape

Rape was the first abuse I recalled. It was my introduction to the real me - that I ignored for so long.

CAUTION: the material in this section may be very triggering to survivors, as well as distressing to some readers. Please take care - ensure you are in a safe place and state of mind - and not about to have a meal.


Rape was the first thing I started to remember. Beginning with the involvement of my parent-figures, then their friends, then strangers for money. Prostitution. For an example of memories of rape, see the page describing the lead up to recalling repressed memories.

Rape is not an isolated act in my child abuse. It is used as the primary method for controlling my mind as a child. In conjunction with many other practices, rape is often intentionally combined as the tool for breaking the resistance of the mind. It seems to me that rape has been used in this way for at least as long as recorded human history.


My memories of torture came along as I was beginning to remember being forced to cooperate with the sexual activity of others. So far, I have only recalled torture by my mother-figures hand. One memory, from before school, involves her slowly tearing off the ends of my fingernails , one at a time, so that a millimeter or so of skin was torn. I simply cannot explain how painful this is. And in a few days there was no physical evidence left. Probably the worst thing about it was that it was my mother-figure, even worse than the physical pain - and it was intense.

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