Where do I start? I have had a variety of
kinds of jobs, but have never been able to sustain employment,
especially if it was full time. So what kind of problems do I have?
Well, it's much easier to understand from this point of view: I have
the same kinds of problems when I do anything for MONEY.
It's not so much employment, it's money. I discovered this when I
tried my hand at making money from selling stuff on a market stall -
I still had the same problems and issues come up, and there was no
employer to direct them at. Then, as I became more self-aware, I
realized I had milder versions of these problems with doing what was
required to get welfare payments. So here are the problems:
I became suspicious that I was being
manipulated secretly, that I was being forced to do things that I
didnt know about. That I was being tricked, taken advantage of. I
feel that I am being bought, that I am only getting money because I
am doing something bad.
I get annoyed, and angry, and irritable,
because I feel that things are happening to me that I don't like,
against my will. I start being less friendly, more unfriendly.
One of the problems with seeing what is going on is that I don't have
a great awareness of all this. It is very difficult for me to have
any awareness of my actual outward behavior. I have not the ability
to see that people are reacting to me differently, so I cant conclude
that I am behaving differently.
I have gradually settled for being poor,
because the possession and getting of money is simply too traumatic.
Currently I am in a situation where I do not have to involve myself
too much with the maintenance of my income, and can concentrate on
getting myself to a point where I can work. So far this has not been
easy. I have only partly uncovered the mechanisms that interfere with
my attempts financial gain.
How do I now explain all this?:
When I started realizing that my behavior
was being affected - when I was diagnosed with ADHD - I was still
unable to actually perceive my own behavior. This is still mostly
The first place where I worked as a telephone interviewer gave me a
wonderful opportunity to increase my self understanding. The first
time when I worked there in 1995, I got sacked because of my
behavior. I was asked by my employing agent if drugs were involved in
Later on, I called that agent to inform her that I had been diagnosed
with ADHD and was on medication for it - I believed then and now that
my ADHD symptoms were related to what happened with my behavior.
Because of doing this at apparently just the right time, I was
offered a position on another survey, because it was short and I was
trained on their system already. One of the other workers who was
also there when I was the first time remarked how amazingly different
my behavior was - that I was like a different person, so much more
stable and less agitated. Also, I didn't get sacked this time. It was
valuable to me to get such feedback about my behavior - I could not
perceive any difference, yet others could.
This inability to perceive my own behavior mystified me, yet I knew
it was central to the reasons why I had behavioral problems.
My problem is now, how do I get myself to a stage where I can work
without needing medication, when I am unable to sense my own
My current explanation:
Back to the money issue. The other aspect
of my behavior is that the bad stuff is triggered by money. Money
drives me crazy, so to speak.
Since that time, I have associated my reaction to money to memories
involving my being prostituted as a child by my parents. This is the
trigger. The mechanism I have identified as personality
characteristics that I have no awareness or control over - what is
commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I am not diagnosed
with this, but I sure have looked into it a lot, and it really seems
to fit what I am experiencing and explain the problems in my
This explanation also is consistent with my present inability to fix
the problem. I haven't healed my separations of consciousness, or my
perception of money. As I have discovered, this problem of employment
is a very difficult one to repair. Now I know why.