My current state of mental health -
I consider myself to consist of multiple parts -
separations of consciousness is probably the best way to describe it.
I prefer this to Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative
Identity Disorder. How can you possibly understand what is happening
from these labels? I have a Fragmented (or Compartmentalized)
Consciousness. This term means something to me. It describes what
this is all about. I believe this solution was forced on me using
unwanted trauma. Fragmenting my consciousness allowed me to partially
avoid the sensation of the trauma. It allowed me to direct the
sensations of that trauma into a compartment of my mind.
Officially I have ADHD. Psychiatrists claim it is
a genetic disorder, but I don't buy this or their drugs anymore. ADHD
has way too much in common with symptoms of repressed trauma (PTSD),
especially fragmented consciousness (MPD/DID). This cannot be
overlooked unless there is some motivation to do so - but that is a
topic for a different kind of web site. Since I have begun to cry, I
have gradually reduced the symptoms of my ADHD - inconsistent with it
being a genetic disorder. As well as this, my physiological response
to ADHD medication has changed from that typical of someone with
ADHD, to that of someone without it. So you can see why I believe
crying is such an amazing healing technique.
Basically , off the top of my head, I have
these main problems:
-inability to perceive my own behavior
-poor concentration maintenance and short attention span
-poor memory and sense of time
-conflicting thought patterns that disrupt my behavior and
-unreasonable suspicions and paranoia
-relationship problems, especially relating to sex
-extremely dysfunctional response to earning money
-an increasing amount of very awful memories
-difficulties getting to sleep, poor sleep patterns
-overeating disorder, sugar craving (processed sugar dulls emotion -
Not under any circumstances are these all the
techniques that I may benefit from. These are just the ones that I
thought of off the top of my head.
This is my top-of-the-line healing technique. It
has helped me more than everything else put together. From my point
of view, healing without crying is impossible.
A very important healing technique I use is
journaling. I write down my thoughts and feelings. It helps me to
analyze what is going through my mind, and work out the cause or
source. As well as just simply writing, I have found that I write
about different things when I write with my left hand (I am teaching
myself). I also write differently when I type - I seem to mix input
from both sides of my mind, to create a more balanced analysis. Each
has its merits and drawbacks.
Simply allowing, or making myself think about why
I do, think, feel,say, etc. the things I do. This is an important
part of my developing an understanding of self. To just decide to
take the time to think on these things. I have found that it is quite
true to say that all you need to do to work something out is to think
about it. Eventually you will solve the problem. Sometimes it may
take a while, but progress toward the goal is normally quickly
Talking to others
To use different methods of releasing information
from the mind is valuable. To speak is a great tool. You then have
the opportunity to get feedback from others, to see what they see of
you, and think of your thoughts and beliefs. To learn why others
believe what they do is valuable information. Even to speak in itself
is valuable. When you think there is no guarantee that your thoughts
will get to other major centers in your brain, but when you speak,
your words are heard by both ears and the message travels through
parts of the brain that are not stimulated by thought alone. To
verbalize thoughts has the same effect. You use parts of your mind
that would otherwise go unused, analyze thoughts in order to
translate them into speakable words. This stimulates a process of
self analysis that leads to beneficial understanding. Even to speak
to yourself is a valuable tool.
Face to face with other survivors
This really brings home the reality that others
actually exist. It challenges the perception that I am alone in my
suffering. To be actually in the presence of another person that is
dealing with similar childhood experiences - not just reading about
them, hearing and seeing them speak.
Participating in email "discussion groups"
I have found these lists very useful. They are a
safe place to share thoughts and beliefs, problems and confusion.
There is also the benefit of reading about other people that are
dealing with the same issues as myself, and perhaps those that have a
greater awareness in some areas, thus helping me to better understand
myself. Often what another writes triggers some awareness in my mind.
When I read some things I somehow know that it is relevant to me. I
can self-analyze in my reply, and investigate the cause of the
feeling of significance, perhaps even uncover some memories or other
To communicate in pictures is to do so in a form
that is much closer to the natural thinking of my mind. Speech needs
to be translated from thoughts. Drawing simply needs to be
reproduced. What comes out in my drawing can often not be put into
words. It can be described, sure, but it is not the same, it is a
bunch of words trying to impersonate a visual concept. An image can
convey meaning and emotion that is disrupted, even destroyed by
translation into words. It is simply a more natural medium of
Really. Think about it for a bit. What do you do
with your mind in your life? How much time do you work, sleep, eat,
clean, etc. How many leisure hours do you have left after all this?
How much of this leftover thinking time do you fill with TV? So how
much thinking time, after all these things, do you have left to work
out how to make your life better? How would no TV affect this? So
what's in your best interests then?
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