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GaryP - RA Survivor

 Creative Writing

I'm only 4 years old.

I've hidden the happy parts of my mind from all the horrible people, to protect it from them, so they can't hurt them.
I had to hide them so deep down that I forgot where I put them. Sometimes I even forget that I ever had them!

I've lost them forever!
Wow, how could that have happened to me?
Why are people so bad to me?
So horrible to me.

I feel so bad, I don't want to live anymore.
I want to die, so the bad feelings that other people make me feel will stop.
They are so angry all the time.
I don't understand why they are angry at me. I'm just a little boy.

I'm only four years old.

I can't do anything to stop them.
I have to make my brain believe that life is supposed to be like this.
I don't want to do that.
I've already had to say goodbye to all the good parts of my brain forever. They're never going to come back now!
Angry adults made me hide all the happy things in my brain.

I had to do this just so I don't feel all the time that there is something really good about me, and I'm never going to be allowed to get it. I had to throw away all the good things about me!
Now I have to forget that it was ever there, just so I don't feel like I want to die all the time!

I'm just 4 years old! I don't want to feel like this. I don't know how to make it stop! I don't know how to turn my brain off forever, but that's what I want to do. I don't want to be alive if this is what it's going to be like forever. I hope I can find out a way to not be alive.

I'm very sad.


I'm nearly thirty now.
I've just realised tonight that all the good bits of my brain didn't go away forever. I just lost them for a while!
I don't want to tell you my name yet. I've only just said hello to myself. I want to get to know me better first.
Now I'm glad that I didn't kill myself. I wanted to do that for about 20 years, but I was always too scared to.
Now I can finally live my life and actually be happy.

It's taken months of crying for me to make it to happy. That's how I got me back. That's why I want to tell you. I want you to know a way to be happy, if you need to. Maybe it can help you. I've still got months of crying ahead of me, to heal what angry adults did to me, but I know I'll be okay now.
All those years of pain and confusion, just because angry adults wouldn't let me cry!
Finally I am free and I can be happy!
It wasn't because of me after all!
It feels so great to want to live! I can hardly believe how happy it's possible for me to feel!
I hope you can feel this way too, someday.


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