1968 - 1972
Born in [...], I spent my first few years
living here, in the southern inner suburbs. I have very little
information from this time, other than a few pictures and some info
from a baby's diary.
One memory I always had was of walking to
kindergarten (a few streets away) from home, by myself - I would have
been 4. That's about it.
1972 - 1992
1973 - 1979 Roman Catholic Primary
1973 - Prep - 6 months. - I suppose my first
memory of  may be my first day at school. My mother-figure
and I arrived a little late in the morning for assembly, and all the
other kids were already arranged in the courtyard like soldiers. I
was terrified that I would not know where to go or what to do.
Getting something wrong was a terrifying prospect. I cried and clung
to my mother-figure in fear.
I was quite violent in early primary school, beginning in Prep -
according to my mother-figure. She described how I would often get
into fights, and especially pick fights with kids older and bigger
than me. Allegedly, any physical contact was perceived by me as an
attack, and I would attack back.
1974 - 1975 - Grade 1 & 2 One brief memory
during this time of staring out of the window while in class.
According to my mother-figure, the school wished to keep me down in
grade 1 because of behavioral problems I was having, not getting
along with other children. I seemed to be keeping up academically,
despite allegedly never paying attention in class.
1976 - Grade 3 - I recall my teacher for this
year, a nun, punishing me with a caning. Despite this memory of her,
I have a clear memory of her as my favorite teacher of primary
1977 - Grade 4 - For part of this year I went
every Monday afternoon to a child psychiatrist or psychologist (not
sure which), located near the [...]. My mother would drive me,
and my sister was almost always along, but she did not go to the same
institution I did - I did not know where she went. I began to become
less violent, I expect as a result of the institution.
1978 - Grade 5 - This was the year I decided God
did not exist. In response to my questioning of inconsistencies in
the teachings in religion class, I was berated aggressively. Toward
the end of this year, I attacked another girl in my class with a
knife, causing damage to her bag and books - I didn't actually harm
her body. I followed up this action with a couple of months of
occasional stalking over the summer holidays, where I harassed her at
her home. At the time, I was completely unable to understand my hate
for her, although I know it related to a triggering grade 5 spelling
test where the teacher put her surname as one of the words in the
test, and I got it wrong and 99 right - I was angry about it.
1979 - Grade 6 - I recall being in a remedial
group for children who could not read a dial clock. There were about
5 kids in this group. I also have a memory of being only able to
remember 7x7 in the times table, of the higher numbers.
1980 - 1983 A State technical/trade School
By the time I began secondary school, I had become
almost completely non-violent. This process was completed in 1980,
and I became a bully victim for my entire secondary school years. I
was totally frustrated by my inability to fight back or stand up for
myself. I could not understand why, I was simply unable, and there
was nothing I could do about it. I was bullied physically and
psychologically on a daily basis. I was mostly teased about being
homosexual, although I had no perception of myself as such.
During this time, I gradually drifted away from
social contact with my parents. I preferred to go out on my pushbike,
which I did most days after school until dark, and mostly on
weekends. At home, I would spend time in my room, and come out to eat
and watch TV.
1984 - 1986 A State High School
Not wanting to continue into a trade, even if just
to avoid making a decision about where my future would lead me, I
changed to a normal high school. The tech did not provide year 12. At
high school I followed my interest in science. I had already learned
to bury my awareness in its detail - I didn't know how this occurred,
1985 - Yr 12 first attempt. I had so much trouble
with academic achievement due to the bullying and almost constant
depression I was suffering when I was awake, that I decided to repeat
year 12 in 1986. After this decision had been made, i still went to
classes and finished off the academic year in preparation for my
second attempt. Near the end of that year, another amazing event
happened. in a fit of rage I struck out at one of my main bullies,
and gave him a blood nose. The effect his 10 second rage had on my
life was incredible. All the bullies suddenly stopped bullying me. I
could hardly believe what was happening, I was walking around in an
elated daze for weeks afterward. I truly believed all those years
that they would kill me if I fought back, just as they said. When
this reality did not unfold, my mind had to basically go through a
very large overhaul. For the first time in my life I understood that
I could actually affect how people treated me! Wow, I had something
to live for!
1986 - This was a vastly different year for me.
Without being bullied, I began to socialize for the first time, even
after school a bit. I was enjoying myself so much (relatively), that
my academic achievement also reduced. Yet I did just well enough to
get into uni - despite having failed english.
1987 - 1992 BSc, university.
Until the end of my BSc, I was living at home -
partly due to the financial benefits (my parents regularly provided
me with small amounts of money) - but mostly due to my great fear
that I would be unable to survive on my own. My preparations toward
the end of 1992 to leave home mark a very extraordinary period in my
life, where my fears were temporarily disabled (I had no idea why)
and I was able to make the move away from home.
1993 - 1998.
During my honors year I spent a little time
tutoring first year biology students, and really enjoyed it (compared
to what I was doing the rest of the time). So I applied to study teaching. In the 2 weeks before i left home, after I had announced my intentions
to my family, my mother-figure informed me that she had been planning
to go to visit her daughter (my sister-figure) for many weeks - thus
she was there when I actually arrived, and left 2 days after that. I
did not believe her explanation, I was suspicious.
1994 - 1997 Unemployment and occasional work. Although I worked out a lot in this
time, I still was unable to work out the main problems in my life,
such as not being able to sustain employment (7k).
While working as a [...] in
September 1995, I experienced a period of strange behavior that I was
unable to explain at the time. Halfway through the project, I was
sacked, because my behavior became too unpleasant for my employers.
At the time, I really had no idea why I was behaving the way I was,
and couldn't understand where all the thoughts and behaviors were
coming from. What I wrote while employed there is strange, violent,
and in hindsight, very suspicious. It now suggests that I have been
affected psychologically in a way that I didnt know about or
understand at the time, but do now.
Mid 1997 - I encounter what I think may be the
truth about my life.
1997 - faced with a situation in which I had
nothing else left that I could try to fix the problems in my life and
relationships, I just started to cry. At the time I was shocked. I
had no idea why I was crying so much, although I had some awareness
what each cry was about. I cried quite a lot for a few weeks, and
then I started to get some images coming up in my mind, along with
some extremely unpleasant emotions. I was starting to recall sexual
abuse from my childhood, beginning with memories involving my
father-figure. From then on, I gradually have been uncovering more
and more memories relating to abuse in my childhood.
While living in a small town, I met the person
who I had a long relationship with. Meeting her was an amazing
experience. I have not known such a strong awareness that a complete
stranger has such a significance to me. I was determined to
communicate with her. It was a very unusual experience for me. It
turned out that she had a background of similar abuse as I did, yet
The circumstances surrounding my leaving the
school, and my mother-figures involvement in it, resulted in my
breaking off all contact with my 'family'. I had already refused to
spend the previous Christmas away from them, and it was the best one
I can recall having.
After finishing work in the small town, I spent most of my time
from then on dealing with issues from my past. During this time I moved to cut off all communication with
my 'family', after confronting my father-figure about my memories of
his raping me.
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