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GaryP - RA Survivor

 Memories Index

This section is about my recovered memories

CAUTION: the material in this section may be very triggering to survivors, as well as distressing to some readers. Please take care - ensure you are in a safe place and state of mind - and not about to have a meal.

My path to the recovery of repressed memories

The long process that led, down a winding road, to eventual recall. For some reason, I see significance in the "Yellow Brick Road" as an analogy for this journey.


Rape was the first thing I started to remember. Beginning with the involvement of my parent-figures, then their friends, then strangers for money. Prostitution.

Mind Control

The purpose of the mind control was to develop the split in my consciousness that I created in response to the trauma of rape and torture. The mind control was carried out both by my 'family' and also by professionally trained persons.

Ritual Abuse

I have recalled ritual abuse in the context of mind control. Ritual abuse as a means to promoting the effectiveness of subsequent mind control.

An initial statement about the nature of memories, and the context in which I place mine:

Before 1997 my conscious mind did not have to incorporate any of these memories into its very very confused perception of the world. In fact these memories, despite their unpleasant nature, have provided relief, sense and understanding to my conscious mind. Maybe it makes no sense, or sounds unreal, but my life is better since I have remembered this stuff, I am happier. Since I have begun to cry and uncover these memories, I have not suffered from depression.

I do not know if I will ever have 100% confidence in any of these new memories. Despite the peace they have brought to my mind, I cannot help but wish that they are false, and the people I have depended on throughout my childhood are worthy of continued dependence. It saddens me that I, unlike most others, can't bear the influence of my 'family' in my life.

Not everything I believe or express about my life is supported by memories, but by my awareness. I combine all my different sources of understanding to produce a picture of my life, as accurate and as clear as I possible can. I also rely on the physical evidence recorded by my body, and what I have always known for myself to be true.

Bits of what I remember

I can't keep reproducing all that I have written about my memories and how I have felt, etc. It would be a book already. I will give an outline of what I have recalled so far, as well as what my awareness is above and beyond my actual recollections. I've also included a few emails I have written, as they illustrate the kinds of things I am remembering and the significance it has for me. But they aren't the whole picture.

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